I've thought a bit about the principle of equal partnership in dating and marriage relationships recently. Observing a variety of different couples has led me to believe that while some couples exhibit equality differently, other couples allow their commitment to equality to stop at verbal assent to the principle. Their behavior doesn't show patterns of equality, whether it is a guy who feels the need to be the teacher or the caregiver, or a girl who plays down her intellect or plays up her needs in order to be taken care of. Some of this has to do with who is sought as a partner, and some of it has to do with patterns of partnership. After some thought, I came up with a rough outline of the principles of relational equality as I see them. I've discovered that these qualities can also apply to the non-romantic relationships I share with family and friends in my life.
My Three Categories of Equal Partnership:
- The decider--the principle of equal counsel and equal consent
- Who is both free and willing to voice opinions
- How differences of opinion are handled
- How final decisions are reached
- The teacher--the principle of humility and mutual respect, the acknowledgment of the other's strengths and our own weaknesses, and the finding of someone who is on equal footing with us.
- Who is willing to ask questions
- How answers are given
- Partnership between two people who are are at a similar level of intellectual ability and who have similar levels of interest in intellectual pursuits
- The caregiver--the principle of spousal preeminence and the avoidance of victim and rescuer patterns.
- Who expresses needs
- Who looks for the other's needs
- Who responds to the other's needs
Both partners should share each role equally.
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